what is it that turns docile men into violent and savage demons, who can barely stand to face themselves in the mirror when they brush their teeth in the morning? is there a retraction in ones values upon being on the edge of the world, and seeing how down right terrifying human nature can truly be? but this begs further questioning: are there really horrors of war or just mere marginal catalysts that shift us to our rightful place in the world? are we not all built to destroy? which lastly brings into play the questions of Locke and Hobbs: is man inherently good or inherently evil?
i can't answer any of these questions. i am a mere mouth and nothing more, i have no real thoughts anymore except this one: i think about the sea, i imagine the ocean swallowing me into it. and as my body floats for hours that turns into days with no sounds but her waves crashing into each other while seagulls harmonize overhead; i am content. but i am not at sea and i am not content. i am anxious, confused; i feel utterly useless and smaller than the smallest blood sucking insect. i am a smudge on a window of a skyscraper, i am burning inside and my heart is alive; and yet it is on fire. all the avenues of approach have been breached and i feel like i have no one to turn to. if this is hell then i truly feel kindred with the prophets that wrote of its terrors.
i am not a mean man, but i am awfully hard on people. and i wish it wasn't this way. i wish i wasn't so hard on myself. there are times there are times there are times when my body is making my mouth say these things that are hurtful and biting, and i tell my body, " stop right now! this is crazy, you don't mean a word you're saying." and then my body proceeds to push my deeper inside and continues to say these dumb, awful things. i have so much more to learn about myself and how to control this gift of gab, my mouth just wants to say whatever it wasn't to say and it's not, my heart just wants to be upset at the world and blame blame blame.
i am alive. i am so far from home.
this is so 2010
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