Day 26

“You can chain me, you can torture me, you can even destroy this body, but you will never imprison my mind.”
 -Mahatma Gandhi

this isn't really for you. however, if somehow you stumble upon it, it really doesn't matter to me. If i wanted it completely hidden from the public i would lock this site, or better yet write my thoughts on paper. this is exercise for me, simply to keep my mind sharp and perhaps to hone in on my thoughts for the next year. conceivably, if and when i return to my life in the States and i feel myself slip away into paranoia, alcoholism, and all the traps that men who have supped the horrors of war get bottled into, this will at the very least be act as reference point or a time line. Hopefully in doing this i can prevent the aforementioned deficiencies and come out of this event better than i was before, in mind, body and in spirit.
the air is thin here and it gets hard to breathe at night when i look out my tent and am greeted by the clearest view of the milky way one could imagine, more stars than my heart can handle. shooting like missiles across the dark sky, meteors dissolve before ever getting a chance to show it's shape or size.
my memory stream will become tainted the longer i'm here, the more time i sit in the cold mountains, listening to the thunder of rockets and the clicks and clatters of rounds being expended. who will i become over time? will i recognize my own thoughts? will i sound like some paranoid maniac? afraid of my own shadow? will my loves no longer be my loves?
the jitters. the shakes. the night terrors. the daymares. crowd fear. spine cramps. black outs. head tremors. eye splinters. vision quests. one day these could be a few of my favorite things.
 i am no fool, i'm hip to what is kept safe and dry under post traumatic stress umbrella.  i want my arms, i want my legs, i want my soul, and i want my mind. whatever it takes to keep me whole. this cold part of the world is trying to bend me until i break under the weight and pressure. hopefully i can keep my head above the water.

the push ups are for my arms.
this is for my heart.
here's to hoping.